I.....I...just can't....

in these days....I've found it...nigh...impossible to hold my emotions back...
at points I've had to run from my fellow Akatsuki just to find solice in crying alone by myself...the pain in my soul getting unbarable..

Kojiro....Shikasama....Koichi...

they have all aproached me on the same subject...
and now I write it here...last time I had bathed, I noticed in my reflection, two burned in ink markings, one along my chest...the other down my back,

and now I understand....I am not Akatsuki....I am Hiro and Paul's slave...this body is not freely mine as they told me...they can kill me, make me kill....if needed..

when I woke up this morning...to find a Student laying amongst in the cave,I didn't even notice Shikasama ran in...just seeing him...made me want to cry,

everything....everything makes me sad...I want to return to the village...but what right do I have...I have killed innocent children who have wandered into the forest...and everyone knows that I broke Kenkora's arms...tortured him, and worst....I hurt the man I admired, Koichi.

I thought...if I could even injure him on foolish whims...I could live this life...
but it has made it only more unbarable......I was better off to have died a child, then suffer as a woman...

I had injured Koichi....and went to his room to visit him..he asked me to rest with him, I was reluctant...because I want this suffering to end...and I believed...for more then a fragment of a moment that killing him would ease my suffering...when he fell into deep slumber...I left, what a coward I am...I can't..I just can't kill him...

looking at him....makes me remember all of the hurtful times...
as well as the good times....

It feels like home and far from it....

Have I lost the will...to be strong....?


(Magical Final fantasy 10 spoilers in here!
if Tidus was just cooler then I would actualy make this a refrence to Esune and Koichi ^=^ )